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tv   The Colbert Report  Comedy Central  September 23, 2011 6:30pm-7:00pm PDT

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nation, i hope you're watching this tv mounted on the jog stroller because you should be running for your lives. (laughter) as we speak a defunct satellite is hurtling toward the earth where it will destroy everything in its path. let's just pray it lands somewhere it can't do any damage like detroit. (laughter) this death machine, this death machine in question is nasa's 20-year-old upper atmosphere research satellite or ursrs as in you ares all going to die. now folks, folks, while you're running for your lives, i don't want you to panic. because the boys at nasa have pinpointed the precise time the impact will occur. jim? >> experts at vandenberg air force base and nasa say the satellite will reenter the atmosphere sometime tooferm
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noon give or take about 14 hours. (laughter) >> stephen: yes, tomorrow afternoon, give or take 14 hours. (laughter) which means you either have until saturday morning or you were vaporized two hours ago. and nasa has pinpointed exactly where the satellite will fall, jim? >> engineers now expect it will break into 100 pieces on reentry, a quarter of those could make it to earth. nasa is pretty sure that any surviving pieces of the satellite will fall somewhere between 57 degrees north and 57 degrees south. (laughter) >> stephen: okay. so the evacuation zone-- (applause) >> stephen: the evacuation zone is this area. (laughter) right here. if you are one of the 6 billion thrill seek ares in the impact zone, you will
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want to flee to the safety of either antarctica or the norwegian island of svalbarg,. and folks don't worry, because you have plenty of time to get there because in addition to providing a 28 hour impact window across 118 million square mile danger zone, nasa is providing a 20 minute warning before the satellite strikes. (laughter) more than enough time to make it to antarctica provided that you are an emerer penguin. now if for some reason you are unwilling or unable to evacuate the habitable zone of the earth and the satellite crashes near you, nasa warns do not touch it. (laughter) which of course means, you're going to want to touch it. (laughter) i mean just think about it, folks. it's been bombarded with space rays for 20 years.
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obviously it will give you superpowers. (laughter) you could become the human satellite! half man, half 5,000 channels of crystal chief high-def, that request paralyze evil doers with too many viewing options. look up in the sky, it's a bird, it's a plane, it's the human satellite burning up on reentry. (laughter) but folks, you probably won't have the chance to touch it because nasa has reassured us that the odds of it hitting any specific person are one in 21 trillion, with a margin of error of plus or minus 21 trillion. (laughter) so nation, i always say do as i say, not as i do. unless what i am doing is saying do what i do, in which case do as i say. (laughter) this is tip of the hat, wag of the finger. (cheers and applause) first up, a very rare wag of
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my finger at the marines. now ordinarily-- i know, i know. ordinarily i am 1,000 percent behind the leathernecks. but the corps has issued a harsh new restriction. banning marines from audible farting because it offends the afghans. (laughter) our troops, our troops are out there risking their lives for our freedom. we owe them the freedom to unleash a loud, proud, cheek rattling tear scorching. (laughter) what, what-- what did the marines want the men on the ground to do, be silent but deadly? i'm sorry, but that sounds like terrorism to me. besides, it's just cruel. we cannot fill these soldiers with mres then ask them to cease-fire on their endless tours of duty. (laughter)
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now i'm going to let that one sink in. now folks, i understand we have to be sensitive to local customs. the afghans are renowned for their civility and decorum. they always say please and thank you before burying an adult res alive at the half time during a game of goat head polo. but i say there is nothing in this world more patriotic than a marine fart. in fact, you know what, everybody on your feet, on your feet. (cheers and applause) an hats off, hands over your hearts. jimmy, let freedom-- freedom ring. (farting sounds). >> stephen: now i don't know about you, i don't know but you folks-- (cheers and applause)
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>> stephen: but that brought a tear to my eye. (laughter) next up, i have long said the obama administration is bosching homeland security. first, they introduced the full body naked scanner then refuse to print out wallet size copies on request. why am i doing crunches. even i was shocked by their latest airport security measure. >> the department of homeland skoourt says it's changing the screening policy for children under the age of 12. >> the most noticeable change for the 12 and under set is that they can keep their shoes on at check points. >> stephen: that's right. 12 and under can keep their shoes on. so evidently terrorism begins at puberty. on the surface this makes sense. that's when they start growing beards, experimenting with harmful chemicals, and spending hours in their sleeper cells. god knows what is going on in there. but i am still giving a wag of my finger to the department of homeland security because letting
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kids keep their shoes on ignores the most dangerous threat of all, the terrorist toos twos. everyone knows a crying toddler can take an entire airplane hostage. if their parents try to tell them to settle down, they often respond in what sounds a lot like arabic. folks-- now look how easy it will be for terrorists to game the new system. come on in, mom. okay. here we go. (laughter) okay, this is what is going to happen. here we go. (laughter) okay. (cheers and applause) hello! i am a child on my way to
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the disney place. this is my first time flying on boeing 767 wide-body jet with 400 er wing extension. i would like to sit near the weakest part of the fuselage with my mother and my shoes. >> stephen: you see, it's that easy, folks. it's that easy. >> we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: hey, thank you very much. welcome back, everybody. nation, thank you very much. the u.n. general assembly is meeting in new york this week. it always has a big effect on the city as food vendors abandon their carts to represent their countries. (laughter) a lot of world leaders are getting attention, perhaps none more so than the kenyan delegate president barack obama. (laughter) and it does not take any time at all for obama to embarrass america. jim. >> president obama had a photo fail during a united nations group picture tuesday night. president obama's hand completely obscured the man standing next to him. who happened to be the president of mongolia. >> stephen: no surprises there. everybody knows obama has shown no respect for our allies in ulan batur since day one. he is clearly showing no respect for his excellency
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president-- (laughter) >> saki-sakihagi, gangus yerkyak over here. now i personally cannot imagine how up set he must be. jimmy, is there any way we can see his face? (laughter) there you go, look how sad he is. >> ah! >> stephen: yeah so, say good-bye to our vital ally mongolia. no more pony racing. no more ferrmented mar erck's milk and you can forget about itunes carrying the latest mongolian throat singing hits. jimmy, give us a last taste. ♪ ♪. >> stephen: gone! and obama embarrassed the
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u.s. again the next day. when he took on the biggest issue of the week. palestinian president abbas's plan to introduce a resolution calling for u.n. recognition of a palestinian state. and just listen to obama's speech calling for patience from the palestinians. >> peace is hard. peace is hard work. that's part of what makes peace so hard. peace is hard but we know that it is possible. peace is hard. (laughter) peace is hard. (laughter) >> stephen: he's right. peace is hard. unlike winning the nobel peace prize which is surprisingly easy. (laughter) (applause) now folks, there is no greater friend of the state of israel than yours truly. i will stand with them until all the jews are in gathered, build the second tiferp el, trigger the final battle of
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armageddon that paves the way of the second coming of christ at which point all noncrist-- christians will be cast into the lake of fire where there will be weeping and nashing of teeth. you're welcome, israel. you know who is also a great friend of israel, rick perry. >> rick perry is working his way into the palestinian statehood debate. the republican front-runner for president schmoozing with jewish leaders in new york. >> we'ric wallly indignant of the obama administration and their middle east policy of appeasement that has encouraged such an ominous act of bad faith. >> stephen: yes, obama is acting in bad faith. rick perry stands with the jews, when he's not dancing with them. >> stephen: you know, you know who would love that dance? the crowd at his next christian only stadium
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prayer rally. (laughter) >> stephen: when we return, i will talk more about the palestinian drive for statehood with jeremy ben ami, the president of the pro-israel, pro peace organization j-street. we'll be right back. (cheers and applause)
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(cheers and applause) >> stephen: welcome back, everybody. my guest tonight is the president of the pro peace, pro-israel lobby j street. i found him on j date.
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please welcome jeremy benami. (cheers and applause) thank you very much. all right, mr. benami. you are, as i have said, you are the president and founder of j street. you also have a book called "a new voice for israel, fighting for the survival of the jewish nation" okay let's talk about what is happening at the u.n. right now. what are the palestinians trying to do and why are they doing it? >> president abbas is going to go before the united nations tomorrow and submit an application to be a member state at the united nations. >> stephen: is it that simple? because i would love to apply. do you just-- can you download it,. >> south dud an got statehood in 72 hours, so the palestinian process is probably going to be a little longer than that. >> stephen: we can't let this happen, right. the united states cannot let
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this happen. because the u.n. is a completely weak, ineffectual sham of an organization, but -- >> but if this vote goes through the world ends. >> the reason we're against t i think, is more that if this vote goes through it doesn't really help us to end the conflict between the israeli an palestinian peoples. and that's the goal. >> stephen: that makes it worse, right. >> it could make it worse. it will not make the world for mahmoud abbas or his people better when he flies back after this resolution. >> stephen: then why would he do it? is this a stunt? >> this is symbolism it is important important symbolism but it doesn't end this decades-long conflict. >> stephen: here's the danger i see. is there is some equivalency going on here, you can draw some sort of false parallel. because israel itself was created by a mandate from the u.n.. what's different about what abbas is asking for? isn't what is good for the goose good for the gander? >> if goose is kosher.
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>> i will check that with my rabbi. >> stephen: okay, please do. >> the way that israel came into being was a result of a war. the u.n. repartitionsed the mandate that the british what in 1947. they said this land is for the jews, this land is for the arabs. but there wasn't an agreement. and they ended up at war. and so our concern is that if there is a similar thing that happens here where the u.n. says okay, we're done. here's your state and there isn't agreement, does this set the stage for further violence. what you need is you need an agreement between the parties to end this conflict. >> stephen: okay, let's talk about, let's talk about j pact, you guys. okay, i thought there was already an israeli lobby, a-pac. the american israeli political action committee, that's the israeli lobby. who are you guys? >> we are the other israel lobby. >> stephen: how can there be two lobbies. everybody has to be pro-israel, love it or leave it, right? is there i-- you don't question bebenetanyahu do
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you. >> i do. you got a bunch of jews in the room you will get many opinions. and that is what happened with j street it wasn't good enough to have just one group representing the entire jewish community because we don't all agree. >> stephen: let's talk about what you say. do you believe in giving any land back? >> we do. >> stephen: okay, i will see you in hell. (laughter) okay. if jews believed in hell. all right. now what about divided jerusalem. >> we believe that shared jerusalem. >> stephen: shared jerusalem the way salomo negotiation wanted to share the baby. >> about half-and-half. >> stephen: okay. >> capital for the palestinian people on the eastern side of the city where the arabs live, and a capitol on the western side for the jewish people where the jews live and it will be the capital of two states for two people and that is how you are going to get peace and security. >> stephen: what about what the christians want here, okay. because in order for the rapture to happen-- as i said before, all the jews have to be in gathered to
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israel and the temp el has to be rebuilt on the temp el mount or else christ doesn't come on a cloud of glory to judge the living and the dead. why wouldn't you want that to happen? (laughter) >> it doesn't end well for the jews. >> stephen: my friend, my friend, what does. (applause) >> we are looking for a way to resolve a territory-- territory qal dispute. two people want their homeland on the sameland. if it becomes a religious dispute there's probably no way to solve this. if we can keep it as the notion that this is two lands, for two people and they have to share it, so they stop killing each other, then we can make some progress. >> stephen: what do you think happens tomorrow after abbas gives his speech. does the u.n. general assembly get to vote on it. >> it may not come for a vote for many months. it goes to the security council where there may not be nine votes. he needs nine votes to company out of the security council there may not even be nine votes there. it may take months for it to
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go through committeeings and hearings and all the process. tomorrow is not a big climactic day for this, it will be kind of an anti-climax. >> stephen: how do you feel about the obama because i have to say he doesn't seem like that much of a friend to the state of israel to me. and i'm not just saying that because it would help the republicans if it were true. i am saying he hasn't visited israel while he has been president. he went to egypt but not israel. but he went to israel when he was running for president. so, so, he will do that when he needs our votes. but he -- >> i would have loved for the president to go to israel. but true friendship for israel at this point is helping it to make peace and helping it to end this conflict. >> stephen: i'm not so sure. i'm not so sure. and i will tell you why, is that, you know, constant existential cries sis kind of the jew's thing. (laughter) you know, it would be like taking jazz from black people. >> i think there is more than enough for jews to worry about if we can get
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this conflict behind us. there is an entire neighborhood of problems to worry about once you get behind the israeli-palestinian conflict. i think is absolutely essential to israel's survival that it is going to be jewish and democratic, it has to have a state of palestine living side-by-side in peace and security. the only way there will be a jewish an democratic israel. >> stephen: sir, thank you so much for joining us. i will see you, if not again on the show, i will see you at the judgement day. (laughter) thank you so much for joining us. (cheers and applause) jeremy benami. a new voice for israel. we'll be right back.
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(cheers and applause) >> that's it for the report, everybody. thank you very much. we've got to go. but if you are one of those impatient types who fast forwarded here to see how tonight's episode ended, well, the beloved dog lived. (laughter) in their hearts forever. but actually got caught in a wheat thresher. i know, it's sad. but in here, it will be alive forever. captioning sponsored by comedy central captioned by media access group at wgbh
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